I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
