I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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