Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize