please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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