youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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