My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
