i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
