im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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