I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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