ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
