I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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