I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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