Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
