allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
