so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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