where am i from again
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
