when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
