Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
