Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
