First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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