If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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