my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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