I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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