so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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