I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
