So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
