it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
