just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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