bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
