She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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