His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
