meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
and you fell through a lawn chair
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
