my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
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