Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
