captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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