so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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