what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize