I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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