Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
