Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
