So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
