the condom got lost in my hair
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
