Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
