im about as happy as oj after his trial
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize