I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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