i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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