I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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