You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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