I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
