I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
