I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
