just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
