Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
