I just pynch a tree in the face
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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