So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
