Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
