The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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