i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
