Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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